No soy mi balanza

Victoria Fortune chronicles her running and body-acceptance journey in her first blog post as a member of NYRR Contributors Circle.

I got on the scale the other day. In solid bold numbers I read 1-5-8.

My initial reaction was complete shock. If I’m being honest, this is the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life. How do I weigh 158 pounds? My clothes still fit the same, my face hasn’t gotten any bigger. “What’s going on here?” I said.

Before I let myself continue on with the mental gymnastics, I paused, looked at myself in the mirror, and said, “Girl, you look good.” I refused to dive into the sea of emotions that I knew would overwhelm me. I had to remember that as a 33-year-old working woman who has had quite the year, why would now be the time I let some numbers on a scale get in the way of me being proud of myself for getting through some very dark experiences?

I am healthy, I have a good relationship with food, and I embrace movement and exercise. Yes, I made some major adjustments to my running routine, however; today, I can confidently say, I feel both mentally and physically stronger than I have ever been, despite what the scale says.

My Running Journey

I’ve been a consistent runner for all of my adult life, running at least four times a week sometimes five if the weather was irresistible. Every year for the past four years, I would train for a marathon. My goal for every marathon I’ve ever run was to run it under four hours. I was that person. Intense, right? I constantly put that pressure on myself. Simply put, I took my body through it!

So, at the end of last year in the midst of recovering from an injury and losing two toenails post-marathon, I decided that in 2023, I was going to honor my body and be easy on her. I had no idea what this would look like. I had no idea how this would impact my day-to-day routine, but what I did know, was something had to change.

Moving my body by way of running has always been healing for me. Running has gotten me through grief, breakups, job transitions, competitions, you name it, but now, it was time to take a pause and lean into alternative ways of coping.

This commitment to take a break of course came with a lot of discomfort and FOMO (fear of missing out), but also so much relief and self-reflection. It was time to relieve myself from the pressure of feeling like I have to perform everytime I lace up my running shoes. Or improve upon my time even if my goal is to just complete the run. It wasn’t hard to realize that the joy I felt about running was slowly escaping me.

I adapted new forms of movement like yoga, cycling, and walking. I had no idea how therapeutic going on a 30-minute walk could be. And though it sometimes pained me to miss out on long runs led by my run club, when I thought about my why, I knew taking a break from running at the frequency that I did was the right thing for both my body and my mind.

Here are 7 things I learned during my break that I hope help you along your journey:

1. Listen to your body. When your body indicates it needs a break, take it.
2. Embrace change. Life will take you through twists and turns, and instead of resisting life’s pivots, lean into it.
3. Love your curves. Love your shape. Love you.
4. When you no longer find joy in running, take a pause and revisit why you started running in the first place. This pause can be for however long you want, as long as you take the time to rediscover the joy it once brought you.
5. As you get older, your body changes, and that’s okay. Give yourself grace throughout the journey and show yourself love throughout every stage of your body’s evolution.
6. FOMO is only created in the mind. Focus on your own personal wellness journey.
7. How you feel on the inside matters just as much as how you look and feel on the outside. Prioritizing your mental wellbeing gives you the space to be able to show up for your family, friends, and career.

I’m happy to say that this year-long break from running at the frequency that I once did restored the love and joy I felt the first time I ran the streets of New York. I’ve now found a good balance of running and yoga, and have plans to begin training for the Tokyo Marathon. The only thing missing is a bib for Tokyo, but I’m going to believe the universe conspires in my favor and lands me a bib. Even if I don’t manage to score one, it’s the training journey that I know will be far more worth it, especially after this new perspective I’ve gained around movement.

Whenever you or anyone else is feeling down by the numbers you see on a scale, remember you are strong, you are beautiful, and you are a champion. Those numbers do not determine your destiny. They especially do not determine your self worth. We are all a work in progress and deserve to give ourselves some grace.

I’ve compiled a list of my go-to songs whenever I’m feeling like I need a confidence booster. I hope that they help you get through your next workout.

Songs I listen to for a confidence booster:

1. Beyonce – “Flawless”
2. Katy Perry – “Roar”
3. Beyonce & Nicki Minaj – “Feeling Myself”
4. Rihanna – “Don’t Stop the Music”
5. Taylor Swift – “Shake it Off”
6. Lizzo – “Good As Hell”
7. Megan Thee Stallion & Beyonce – “Savage”
8. P!nk – “So What”
9. Lady Gaga – “Born This Way”
10. Beyonce – “Energy”

Victoria Fortune is a member of NYRR Contributors Circle. Read more content from Contributors Circle members here.